kon ek berge uitloop en

blomme plant

saans na rookvure en mis

in die klowe kyk en die vleiloerie

hoor roep

saam met my pa

kon ek branders en meeue dophou vir ure

rooiaas en siffies uithaal

in diep skeure

saam met my pa

kon ek skemeraand tussen dennebome draf en

geelhout en watervalle groet

plaashekke oopmaak en

dennetolle optel toe die loop swaar raak

saam met my pa

kon ek leer vuurmaak en houtkap selfs

kettie skiet en

klippe laat spring op die dam

saam met my pa kon ek psalms sing

sonder om asem te haal as ek luister

na sy stem wat mooier as enigiemand anders

uitstyg

hemel toe

saam met my pa kon ons kilometers klippad ry sonder woorde

met toebroodjies ‘n milky bar en koffie

en as ek opkyk weet ek

hy verstaan my dink

saam met my pa

kon ek wees

en wonder

en droom

en as ek sou wegbeur na ‘n aweregse pad het sy arm

my naby gehou

saam met my pa

July 8, 2019

said Virginia Woolf’s Mrs Dalloway, with Philip Glass’s music in The Hours. And that’s exactly what Mom’s friend Rita, born 1929, and friends since 1968, said when she was invited to Mom’s book celebration, the event celebrating the writing of Mom’s Memoirs. And there she was, soon 90 yrs old, with the custard cake that became her signature recipe. For every special visit, celebration, occasion, event, Tannie Rita would bake her famous layered cake. And she did it again for her best friend’s book celebration. This time she mixed the batter and heated the little stovetop oven in a tiny room in an old age home, a final refuge for the brave who were selected to walk on and contribute for a little while longer. And her token contribution of a custard cake, finished off the meal at our joyful celebration. A celebration of life and the memories we make.

Here’s to Rita Grundlingh and her indomitable spirit and unbeatable cake.

I am going to make a cake. A custard cake. To remind me of our nights going out to concerts while our husbands went fishing. Of our daughters becoming wives and mothers and our homes being moved to unfamiliar places. Of laughter and tears, music, dancing and planting new gardens in spring. Long December holidays and Sunday lunches. We laughed, we loved, we lived.

And I made a cake.

https://www.youtube.com/embed/DV8dpDsatLM

Op Maandae het die groentelorrie gekom. Dan is slaai, tamaties, bone, blomkool, kopkool, skorsies en pampoen afgelaai. Die groot beplanning en weeklikse kook het begin. Daar was 26 kinders wat elke dag moes eet. Drie maal, met een paraffienyskas en ‘n houtstoof. Wallekraal. My ma ‘n brose 30, pa 33, en die twee stadsjapies durf die vreemde aan met twee voorskoolse dogterjies en ‘n groot avontuurlus. Soetsuurdeegbrood vir 30 mense, elke dag. En die nuwe koshuismoeder het nog nooit ‘n brood gebak nie! Die eerse poging was plat en taai, my ma steek kers op by Diknek  se baasbakster en siedaar! ‘n Aartappelplantjie en bietjie touwysmaak, en Tina Aggenbach se raad laat die skool oorleef. Die brood rys en Andries steek elke keer sy hand op vir nog ‘n snytjie. Nou word daar daagliks ingesuur, die deeg word dopgehou, en die houtstoof word gestook. Boeppens baksels word toegemaak onder ‘n lappies-broodkombers en warm-warm geëet.

Die groentelorrie uit Vredendal se kooksels word beplan. Maandae is tamaties en blaarslaai en alles wat vinnig verlep, geëet. Dinsdae groenbone, en van Woensdag af is dit kool en wortels, en laaste die skorsies en pampoene wat geduldig in die donker buitekamer hulle kans afwag. Gedroogte vrugte word oornag geweek om sag te kook vir bykos of nagereg saam met vla. Bone word gespoel, geweek, gekook, eerste water afgegooi en weer gekook. ‘n Asyn-en-maizena-sousie verander dit in ‘n bederfdis.  Roomys is net vir die dorp, en dus een maal per maand – as kinders soet is. Rooibostee word in ‘n geel enemmeltuitkan gekook en stomend warm gedrink, almal kry ‘n bekervol met vars bokmelk aan etenstafel. Koffie word gemaal en in ‘n linnesak in ‘n koffiekan gemaak. Sakkoffie is net vir grootmense, dit gee kinders vlooie in die maag. Vir slaaptyd rek my ma die rande en koop kakao om die koshuiskinders met ‘n warm slaapdrankie te bederf. Koeimelk is skaars, en lentetyd smaak die melk wild van die gousblomme in die weikamp. ‘n Paar lepels kakao red klein dogtertjies se lewe ook!

Ons het altyd so gewens ons kon teruggaan na daardie rustige ongekunstelde jare. En ons het. Ons koop nou een maal per maand ‘n groot voorraad, ons groente word tuis afgelewer, ons rantsoeneer die eiers en brood en slaai en melk. Ons rek die rande en kos in die spenskas. Ons bak weer ons daaglikse brood en hou ‘n broodkombersie in die kombuislaai aan. Ons bel ons bure op die plaas langsaan. Ons kyk of daar nie dalk ‘n kar in die pad afkom nie.

En skielik onthou ek die gesin wat net een maal per jaar dorp toe gegaan het. Toe my ma en pa die Saterdagoggend tienuur in Garies se hoofstraat indraai, kom die Mosterts net uit die dorp gery. Klaar gekoop vir die jaar. Wie het nou meer as een uur in die winkels nodig?

Maar ek mis steeds die geur van Cobra-politoer op die houtvloer, die sandpad met middelmannetjie wat afkronkel teen die bult, die geeldons-acaciabome wat ‘n soom afsteek teen die rivierloop. En die bakoorjakkals wat snags roep in die stilte en omkyk. En opkyk en roep.

4. Do not live with broken stuff! If the tap leaks, fix it! That torn pillow case: mend it! Clogged drains, creaking doors… Often a small job can give huge sense of accomplishment and control.

One of the first signs of regression is a gradual indication of ‘decay’. Carpet cleaning can no longer be outsourced to a local company – but cleaning equipment can be rented at your local grocery store on a daily basis. The dirty car can be washed by your family over the weekend, since the local ‘brushless car was’ is now a luxury, and not a necessity. The annual window cleaning in the complex we live, I did myself. Removing window screens and washing them outside was an easy job. Let the entire family help, you can teach your children to earn pocket money this way, and though the money will still be coming from your  own pocket, it teaches your kids valuable life lessons – and they can even start their own ‘cleaning service’ during school breaks, and offer help to neighbors or aging people.

I took out my sewing machine, replaced the lost electric cable, and was ready to mend clothes and bed linens myself. You can even start doing small projects with your sewing machine, or make gifts for friends. Let your tight condition lead to innovation, that will inspire you and others.  Necessity is the mother of invention…

3 . Make an inventory of unavoidable expenses. Be honest about activities like individual music lessons and sports coaching.You may have to drop an activity. Shop on eBay if you need a new instrument or tool. Clothes can be passed down to siblings, especially expensive suits, tuxedos, outfits not often worn. You may also ask for friends who had kids in a choir, sports team, etc for second-hand formal clothing.

Making lists can be a lifesaver. It helps you focus, and clears your mind from spiraling thoughts that drag you down. Once expenses, concerns, activities and needs are listed, it is easier to navigate your way ahead. Instead of having a jungle of vague thoughts all butting heads in your mind, items on a list can be thought through, discussed, digested, marked off, put aside.

It is amazing how few new clothes one can need if you do not have money to buy any. Use your basic wardrobe, in the US you can shop at Goodwill, or even visit garage sales to find unwanted, often brand new clothes. Unavoidable expenses include life and car insurance, telephone, electricity and gas for you vehicles. This does not mean you cannot limit these expenses. Use less gas for your car by driving less, car-pooling, cycling or walking. Telephone, gas and electricity can be limited, and often companies give an extra discount for a decrease in your bill.

2. Stop using your credit card, there is not going to be sufficient income deposited to pay off new purchases. You do not want to end up with huge debit against your name. Withdraw cash, e.g. $100 per week for food/groceries. That means prepare your own meals, NO eating out. Do not buy clothes, toys or furniture. The kids will have to wear hand-me-downs… Use libraries extensively – no need to buy books! For recreation, go into nature, it is mostly free. Even a party can be on the beach, a lookout point, a park or open space reserve. Make it cheap without being cheap. Reconsider your values, reevaluate your essentials. Your credit card has turned into a venomous scorpion. Do NOT open any new cards to help pay off the current bill.

My initial thoughts were just for limiting; going without, closing down, try to live it out for a few months.

It was almost impossible to avoid credit card expenses and debt. I was in the fortunate position to still have a small amount of savings in an account linked to a previous position. That would now buy our ‘daily bread’. For the rest, our savings was pretty much trapped in the new house we bought. Stock options from my husband’s previous positions contained the rest – that also now vanished with his retrenchment from the company.

For gas we still used the credit card, and for mandatory payments like Gas and Electricity, Telephone and Internet, and Medical Insurance. Because I did not know how long this single-income period was going to last, I did not want to take chances and accumulate, almost unnoticed, excessive debit, and land in a tight spot where property or valuables needed to be sold. My husband immediately started applying for new jobs, but the reaction was slow, response trickling to a standstill, and the future indeed looked bleak. The realities of being new immigrants sunk in.

1. Don’t panic. Keep calm. Breathe deep. Take action.

My first reaction to such news was disbelief, an almost floating feeling of ‘no way, this only happens to other people’. And then more denial…: ‘so what, you can step out tomorrow to find a new job!’

Not this time, however. The message sinks in, and you remember headlines in the news on increasing unemployment figures, the ‘DDay’ Speech of the VCs on Sandhill Road after the Wall Street debacle… and then that small voice telling you this may be serious.

I read the advice of Marcus Aurelius: “The first step: Don’t be anxious. The second step: Concentrate on what you have to do”. And I decide to do just that.

In the next few months I will learn to “Blot out my imagination. Turn my desire to stone. Quench my appetites. Keep my mind centered on itself.”

“And you can also commit injustice by doing nothing.”

Marcus Aurelius would become one of my best allies.

Our time in the USA has been full of novel experiences and surprises. I have started to write a little book, Treading Water, on my experience of the 2008 recession. Here is the Intro.

Pink Slips

3 November 2008. Tomorrow is Election Day. Obama versus McCain Day. Biden versus Palin Day. I come home from campus, expecting to be glued to the News channel and reports on election results and expectations in different States of America. My husband is upstairs in our home office, his face a brooding thunderstorm.

What’s wrong – you look as if someone just fired you!

Yes, they did. Indeed.

As Director of New Channel Partners at a start-up company in Mountain View, California, his position was made redundant – in fact, 30% of the company suddenly had ‘unneeded’ positions. This time, no golden handshake to the directors, no warning signals to employees. The CEO even took the trouble to invite all employees to a meeting the previous week to announce that the company had enough bank credit, so no one needed to worry about lay-offs. And after my husband signed the first million-dollar deal for that same company – well… that was meant as extra security.

Who would lay off people after so much reassurance? What duality would hand out pink slips on the evening when the entire country was thinking in red and blue… Republican or Democrat, Obama or McCain, Biden or Palin? Slowly realization sinks in. A pink slip on a red and blue evening is hard to digest.  I’ll have to plan ahead.

I am a PhD scientist with a part-time position at Stanford, expecting to move to full-time when the kids could manage without me in the afternoons. Stanford has made sounds of freezing positions and salaries in the sudden economic recession. I have been asked repeatedly when I would be willing to move to a full-time position. That time has now arrived. I grabbed the opportunity.

Over the next few weeks… which turned into months… and later more than a year… then three years… I had to redefine various aspects of my life. My comfort zone was shattered. There was no means of relief or escape. The world would narrow down to boundaries, procedures and regimens that I could define, and use as beacons to guide me mentally and emotionally. I had to follow instinct. I navigated a route for survival. My compass was my uncluttered upbringing, common sense, and often sheer guts. Some guidelines are described in the following pages. They paved the way to survival of the fittest.

Long long ago, in a land far far away, there lived a group of young girls, led by a smart woman who was a role model as charismatic as Sheryl Sandberg, and teaching us immensely more than Lean-In skills. With her we swam in raging rivers, slept on open beaches, camped in pouring rain, and prayed on mountaintops.  At the foot of a majestic mountain we sang serenades under oak trees before sunrise. Weekends at her home on the edge of primeval forests our nights were immersed in poetry and prose. There she would read to us, recite poems to our eager minds, enrich our lives with wisdom and whit.

When I became a mother a decade after school, she sent me a very precious gift, a tape (i.e. analog cassettes with side A and side B, allowing home recording and sharing with snail mail…) – an hour long voice recording of her poetry readings. Through the years I listened, absorbed, recited… to never let go. The magnetic recording became worn out, and after digitizing the tape awhile back, I now uploaded it to SoundCloud, to listen to this recording when and wherever I feel inclined to.  I am honored to share this snippet – poems by two great South African brothers, WEG Louw and NP Van Wyk Louw – poets whose words I can now recall at will. The poems are in Afrikaans, and even if you are not familiar with the language, listen to the rhythm, enjoy the emotion in the voice. Here’s to Este and all she meant to us.

Este: WEG Louw – NPvW Louw

Na al die kophou en  koershou en die klein bende pikkewyne was ‘Salute!’ nog nooit meer gepas.